I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize