Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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