there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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