Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
