Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
