What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
