I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am midnight drunk by noon
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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