"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's shark week go big or go home
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
