Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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