Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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