i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've blown a few things in my day
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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