I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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