Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
