i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
