I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize