I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
