I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
