I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
