Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
