Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
