So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
