i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
