i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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