I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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