I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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