Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
