My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
