This girl is more easily done than said...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it's like heaven, but drunker
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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