Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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