i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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