Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
How's work?
Spinning.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
