I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
