I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
