nut hugger
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
