Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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