she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
