How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
