Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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