I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize