I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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