apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
