I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
