Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
another moral hangover. fuck.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
