The maid of honor just puked.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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