Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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