I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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