She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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