Don't make out with my wife yet
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
there is glitter all over my balls
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
