i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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