we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is Oprah even human
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
