i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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