My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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