I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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