I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
