just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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