it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
