I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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