She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
