I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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