I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
