I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
