There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
