So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
