it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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