You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
