The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
