He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
